Updated: Dec 14, 2022
Straight out of camera JPEGs - Black & White Sony Film Simulation Recipe using Picture Profile Menu
Some days I open my eyes and I instantly feel stressed,
and that is because I keep thinking of the things that I have to do.
I have to do this, I have to do that,
I havean never ending to-do list, and it one has only so many hours each day, so my brain instinctively chooses to distract itself
from the high standard I've put upon myself by choosing to waste a little bit more time laying in bed,
getting mentally ready for the day.
Maybe just another bit more, and I will feel safe and ready to take on whatever awaits.
But work or in fact, any sort of distraction, drinking, cigarettes, drugs, clubs, whatever brings you instant dopamine, is one of our brain's favorite ways of focusing on something else than our own feelings, because it's unpleasant,
because feelings sometimes hurt.
So for me work is a distractions from my inner feeling or worthlessness, so by choosing to sleep longer to not face work, I was actually distracting myself from distracting myself.
Pretty funny if you think about it.
Today I opened my eyes, and again, felt the urge to close them back.
'I don't want to wake up.'
But there are so many videos I haven't done yet, so many things I could improve on the Website and store, and an never ending process or updating or creating New Sony Film Simulations.
And that is only work related, what about personal life?
It all feels very much Overwhelming.
So that's how I been feeling for the past 2-3 years, and now I know it has to stop.
It has become an addiction.
An addiction which is praised in these days.
Work 'till you break a bone, that's the way to success,
but that is such bullshit, because success will not bring me happiness, nor peace nor love.
Only more self hate, more greed, and less time.
Working more doesn't give you more,
it takes more, and gives less.
Less time spent with friends and family, less experiences & memories,
and ultimately less emotions.
We push down our emotions and project ourself in the future, thinking we'll be successful,
waiting for that moment to come so we can reap the benefits of all the hard work and the sacrifice we've put over the years.
Because we cannot be happy right here and right now.
There's just no way,
We need more in order to feel comfort and happiness.
Hustle Culture is a lie.
Today I woke up, and I just had to stop, I just couldn't do this anymore.
My hearth ached, It felt like I had a heavy pressure on my chest and it was hard to breathe.
I knew I had to stop working,
Maybe it sounds stupid, but it was really hard to stop, it usually is
but I forced myself to take a break to reflect more on what I feel inside.
So I went out for a walk, took my camera and Rolled in the settings for the T-Max 100,
No color, no distractions, no standard.
I've set everything loose.
Just taking random pictures in random places not caring if they come out right,
to clear my mind of all these anxieties,
and reconnect with myself.
Where are my decisions taking me to? Is this the road I want to pursue?
It was a beautiful foggy morning,
The fog was so thick I could barely see anything.
Few people walking around in the mist, probably trying to wake up,
they seemed as confused and hazey as I was,
The presence of fog always seems to slow down time for me, everything seems unreal,
and it introduces me into a world of dream and wonder,
at least that's how I feel it personally.
Walking through all this mist i couldn't see the answer,
it felt hopeless
'Why I am here?! it's not helping me relax,
instead of wasting my time with useless walks I should be working!'
I felt more anxious and agitated as my mind was crumbling down inside it's own maze.
The Ego cannot take a 'no' as an answer, so it will act as a spoiled child,
he knows how to get what he wants.
But not this time!
After pushing a little bit longer through the vicious temptations, it all starts to feel loose again.
'It's not so bad after all!'
Suddenly I feel relaxed and joyful.
All I had to do is to get out of my home studio, and take a simple walk.
Disconnect from work, from my phone, from everything.
Took me 30 minutes of absolute hell to relax,
but finally it happened.
It takes time for the waves to calm down,
so does the mind.
So be patient with yourself,
remember to take a pause, it might take longer than expected.
But it's definitely worth it.
With the sunrise the fog cleared up,
and so did my thoughts.
I am sorry if this post was too heavy, but I want to connect with you more,
and the only way of connecting with somebody is through emotions.
I think we live in a world where our negative emotions are rejected.
We are not supposed to feel sad, frustrated or alone, only happy.
But I say f*ck that sh*t, allow your feelings to come to the surface.
Don't swallow them, let they come, and say hello.
It will hurt, and might make you feel scared, sad, depressed and anxious.
But it's the only way to a better life,
a joyful life.
From what I remember, there was never a day without a night,
and never a year with only continuous summer.
So let's learn how to feel again, how to laugh and how to cry.
We are all only humans.